2:13AM journal entry
failed to fall asleep
even though my body is
exhausted to the core
my mind was thinking
too much so I got up and
drew in my sketchbook
I am feeling nostalgic and
sentimental for the
past, even though I would
never choose to relive
the moments in real life
I much prefer re-living
them through my journals
I am enjoying this
self-inflicted sadness
the kind that makes you
appreciate life just
a bit more
when your college friend
texts you a long
affectionate paragraph that
makes your throat choke up
with gratitude
and you think, oh no
when was the last time
I cried
and suddenly you are
hyper-aware of your
emotions and the
tumultuous state that
they are in
back to being tired now
post-catharsis in this
modern day love letter
DAWN
I’m going to try something new
even though new is out of my
comfort zone (but what else isn’t)
what are the barriers that stop
you from pursuing the new?
are you living in fear of
goodbyes that are too early and
greetings that you don’t
feel prepared for?
that emotion that envelops
your core, do you know
what that means?
recognition of the unknown and
of the unfamiliar — that is
what I’m chasing after but
I can’t, no I don’t think I can,
if the boundary between the
core and the surface
thickens
like a cell
I need to breathe
in the new day and feel
the gratitude that is meant to
keep me moving in these uncertain
waves
like a fierce ocean clashing
against dawn.
EARTHLY PLEASURES
Besides celestial bodies and
interstellar happenings, let us
thank our home on earth for
enduring so much for us without
asking for much in return
I wish this could mean that
the earth could last forever
but no, the earth needs love
too, just as humans seek
our own desires and lustful
yearnings — as silly as it
may seem
If we lived in a world without
physical contact, is this what
it’d be like? Afraid of
breathing the same air?
If we could only have each
other without being able to
touch, would we feel the same way?
I wonder. If all we really
yearn for are the sparks
we feel in a moment of
excitement when we are
calling for each other’s
skin, if the core of our
satisfaction derives from
your body wrapping around
mine. But that is
forbidden now
so tell me
do you still want me
would you still want me
in this war?
GROWTH / DECAY
An exponential change in feeling
does not eliminate the mundane
nor should it! Daily life full of
spontaneous conversations, endless
tasks to accomplish but never enough
time to do so. Is this how each day
used to go? The mundane holds
power in itself and
credibility over the extraordinary
as a resting state, a baseline
to rely on, and isn’t that
something we could all use more of
Up and down
fluctuations intertwine with a
steady rate of constancy
companionship in a modern
lonely story
do you hear the rustle of
change? Disrupting the flow
of what the people are used to.
I crave change but only
the kind of change that will
shift my light
forward, against all odds.
IS ANYONE LISTENING?
you are all wonderful
everything we could’ve asked for
I feel heard, I feel seen
in moments when I can take the
mic and speak to my
audience
we can control how we
respond to events and yet I
feel dominated by the other
voices; those of fear and
anxiety and rejection
pouring over my shell
I crave a listener
to receive my
woes with open
arms and
turn them into
silver linings
let me collect
these pockets
of stillness to
soothe my soul
Hayoung:
“Upon returning home after leaving campus with the knowledge that I would not be coming back as a student again, I searched desperately for ways to cope with my despair. I turned to my journal, as I often do in these types of situations, and put pen to paper to create this anthology of quarantine poetry. I speak on loneliness, intimacy, and dealing with change.
Harvard ‘20 | instagram: @hay0ung